"The Broads Must be Crazy"

I'm still laughing. John Stewart's skit comparing and contrasting the fallacies surrounding women's and men's emotion in politics is hilarious. His customary satirical political jibes work well to convey his underlying message. The double standard in society about emotions and sex. Women are emotional and unpredictable; men are just overwhelmed or showing strength when they show their emotions. His example's using Hilary Clinton, contrasted with a few governors then the news reports on each instance are exemplary. Time after time we see reporters defending men's show of emotion and reporters damning women showing emotion. I like how John leaves you wondering, why the hell this double standard exists.

I grew up surrounded by narcissistic men. My father, and in turn, my younger brother. Anytime I did well or commanded too much attention for something I did well, they played the crazy card on me. My brother would throw my fish out the window and point out that my crying and carrying on over a fish was crazy. My father would intentionally lie about my curfew time. He'd lose his temper on me when I arrived home on time for my 10pm curfew, he'd say it was supposed to be 9pm. then chase me up to my room scaring me so bad I pissed myself in the corner. I don't know where they learned it, but these men understood one thing. You can dominate a woman and even control her, by convincing her she's crazy. Most of my life I've believed I'm nuts and dumb. I've even acted crazy and stupid because it was drilled into me as a child. They are right though; convincing a woman that her emotions, thoughts and ideas are crazy DOES control her and keep her in line. It forces her to squelch her identity to try to be normal. 

One of the strongest tools men have over women is the chemical instability inherent in a women's body due to the gift of reproductive organs. Yes women are more prone to mood swings as the hormonal and chemical changes a woman's body goes through every month, are incredible. Some women are affected more than others, but here is where the power trip lies. Men are aware that these changes predispose women to hormonal fluctuations so it is easy to pin any and all negativity within a relationship upon the woman. A healthy woman is even more vulnerable as she is constantly monitoring her mood changes. Feedback from the men she trusts in her life, telling her she is crazy, leads her to believe the same thing. Then begins the feedback loop, maintaining that the woman is crazy so the man maintains control.

What is interesting is that men have mood swings too; though there isn't as strong a case to explain these mood changes away as a regular monthly occurrence. This lack of physical and chemical evidence, strengthens the case that women are the ones with the serious mood swing problems. Maybe the fact that men often have mood swings without any physical or chemical explanation could be used as an argument that men with mood swings are the crazy ones?

Mood swings occur in women and men and men are just as likely to have outbursts of anger or crying as women.  Using a woman's reproductive system as a scapegoat, many, even other women, try to peg women as unstable. This leaves behind a cultural fallacy. When women lose it, it's her hormones and not based in any way on circumstances in her environment whereas, when a man loses it, he's simply reacting logically to circumstances in his environment. On this I call bullshit. It’s time to stop forcing women to accept that they are "unstable". Men and women are equally gifted with the ability to blow their stack. It's called being a human being. 

Addiction?

For my English 102 class I was asked to read an article named In Defense of Slow Reading by Paul M. Davis. At the beginning of his article, Paul likens himself to an addict using his former smoking habit and his Internet activities as an example. This made me wonder about the word addiction. I've always thought there were good addictions and bad addictions, but is any addiction really good? The quote by Oscar Wilde comes to mind, "Everything in moderation, including moderation".

I'm a smoker. A disgusting, smelly, lurk in the back alley so my clients don't see me smoking, pack a day, smoker. Smoking for me, is an emotional crutch. Anytime I feel overwhelmed, frightened, angry, sad, nervous, anxious, or just need to stop for a minute, I light up another stick. I know this causes cancer, I even announce to my colleagues that I'm heading out to "beg for cancer", when I head out to lurk in the back alley to puff away. By Mr. Davis' definition, I'm a full-on addict. 

To me an addict is something much more sinister than a mere smoker or Internet junky. To me an addict is more than self-destructive; they are like a bomb that goes off in every relationship they are a part of. Even stopping the behavior or substance they are addicted to doesn't stop them from finding a new insidious addiction to destroy the lives of themselves and everyone around them. I know because I have family members who are addicts, and trust me, they don't need to drink or do drugs to decimate their loved ones. Recovering addicts often replace their drug, alcohol, or insert whatever, addiction with control, manipulation, theft, lies, and abuse. I've experienced it first hand, on many occasions. A good friend recently made a comment about smokers hiking the cost of her health insurance. Maybe my self-destructive habit isn't as "self" destructive as I had thought. 

So I have begun to question, why do we become addicted to anything in the first place? Why do we as humans, with this incredibly diverse planet, with so many diverse distractions, get addicted to doing one thing over and over again? Why do we get caught in a loop? I mean there are a million things I could find to do to relieve my tensions and take a break, that don't involve destroying my lungs or hiking up insurance rates. All of the addicted souls I know, who continue to push the same destructive buttons to get where? 

Is it our "Lizard Brain", as described by Dr. Joseph Truncate? Or does the prevalence of addictive behavior in our society point to even bigger problems with the way our society is built?

Apparently this is still under debate by psychologists associated with Psychology Today. Their article on addiction is interesting, but poses even more questions as to the why's of it. This mysterious, sometimes life threatening, pattern of behavior called addiction. 

I do believe it's time for a cigarette.

In Regard to Touchstones

“Formation is journeying, individually and in community, to our inner selves, our hearts and souls, to identify our true selves and our deep integrity. From this center proceeds our action.”

—Parker J. Palmer

Sue Jones and her writings of Touchstones , affects me rather deeply. As a loner, I accomplish more and achieve at a higher level when by myself. Just having one other person within a room with me, without them even speaking or acknowledging me, significantly reduces my productivity and the quality of my work, it always has. That delicate balance necessary for acknowledging another's truth, being present and staying centered within myself, has always been elusive. The ideas detailed within this writing, ring true to me, though I still do not understand how all of this can be accomplished at one time.

The woman I have become sprang from a child with an abusive past. There were three survival mechanisms I put in place within my personality, to accomplish this; I put all others around me first, their truth was of the utmost importance. My truth and my needs could be taken care of with the second survival mechanism, solitude. Thirdly, I stopped trusting my own thoughts and instincts. For the brutal truth others showed me to be true, I must be wrong, ugly, stupid, unkind and ungrateful. Those around me knew best. What I knew or thought was wrong. These things combined made it easy to accept any kind of treatment.

So here these words speak of working together. How a group can work as a whole and allow the individual to flourish at the same time. Once again, I grapple with uncertainty. Religion, "an interest, a belief, or an activity that is very important to a person or group", with its bloody history, warns me of the dangers of coming together open as a group. Though in this writing, the group is to "Speak your truth" and "Suspend judgement", along with many other pretty phrases, but in the end, it is a group of humans bearing their souls. What does history speak of this?

So alone I write of my concerns and completely agree with the ideals. Though I know that with a group of human beings these lofty ideals are impossible to achieve. Alone, they are simple, but in a group, impossible. Especially in a group not of my own choosing.

So I have presented myself, naked and alone, to become part of a group. To learn to acknowledge my own truth at the same time as another's, without judgement.  To remain present to my own thoughts and another's, extend and receive welcome, listen deeply, no fixing, identify assumptions, respect silence, maintain confidentiality, turn to wonder and slow down…… All of this I can do half of. By myself I can extend these courtesies to me. In a group I can extend them to others. To balance both at once in a group of people will be a learning experience for me. Maybe I will find my individual voice comfortably amongst others. We will see.