In Regard to Touchstones

“Formation is journeying, individually and in community, to our inner selves, our hearts and souls, to identify our true selves and our deep integrity. From this center proceeds our action.”

—Parker J. Palmer

Sue Jones and her writings of Touchstones , affects me rather deeply. As a loner, I accomplish more and achieve at a higher level when by myself. Just having one other person within a room with me, without them even speaking or acknowledging me, significantly reduces my productivity and the quality of my work, it always has. That delicate balance necessary for acknowledging another's truth, being present and staying centered within myself, has always been elusive. The ideas detailed within this writing, ring true to me, though I still do not understand how all of this can be accomplished at one time.

The woman I have become sprang from a child with an abusive past. There were three survival mechanisms I put in place within my personality, to accomplish this; I put all others around me first, their truth was of the utmost importance. My truth and my needs could be taken care of with the second survival mechanism, solitude. Thirdly, I stopped trusting my own thoughts and instincts. For the brutal truth others showed me to be true, I must be wrong, ugly, stupid, unkind and ungrateful. Those around me knew best. What I knew or thought was wrong. These things combined made it easy to accept any kind of treatment.

So here these words speak of working together. How a group can work as a whole and allow the individual to flourish at the same time. Once again, I grapple with uncertainty. Religion, "an interest, a belief, or an activity that is very important to a person or group", with its bloody history, warns me of the dangers of coming together open as a group. Though in this writing, the group is to "Speak your truth" and "Suspend judgement", along with many other pretty phrases, but in the end, it is a group of humans bearing their souls. What does history speak of this?

So alone I write of my concerns and completely agree with the ideals. Though I know that with a group of human beings these lofty ideals are impossible to achieve. Alone, they are simple, but in a group, impossible. Especially in a group not of my own choosing.

So I have presented myself, naked and alone, to become part of a group. To learn to acknowledge my own truth at the same time as another's, without judgement.  To remain present to my own thoughts and another's, extend and receive welcome, listen deeply, no fixing, identify assumptions, respect silence, maintain confidentiality, turn to wonder and slow down…… All of this I can do half of. By myself I can extend these courtesies to me. In a group I can extend them to others. To balance both at once in a group of people will be a learning experience for me. Maybe I will find my individual voice comfortably amongst others. We will see.